Thanks for the suggestions as always, my friend. Unfortunately, nothing I’ve tried has worked. Looks like a fresh install is in my future. 
UPDATE: A fresh install fixed this issue. I was able to keep my home folder intact which was nice.
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This isn’t ubuntu mate, but it’s still fun (if you aren’t me)
nerd@NERDPOWER ~ $ systemd-analyze blame
34.675s lightdm.service
34.563s ntp.service
26.178s nmbd.service
25.661s winbind.service
25.157s samba-ad-dc.service
24.739s hddtemp.service
24.615s plymouth-quit-wait.service
12.533s dev-sda1.device
11.741s ufw.service
10.426s grub-common.service
9.419s apparmor.service
9.168s loadcpufreq.service
8.065s NetworkManager-wait-online.service
7.667s ModemManager.service
7.310s NetworkManager.service
6.741s snapd.service
6.038s accounts-daemon.service
5.304s gpu-manager.service
4.230s rsyslog.service
4.135s console-setup.service
4.122s thermald.service
4.086s avahi-daemon.service
3.182s ondemand.service
lines 1-23